Love, Marriage, Tevya, and Tamil

Becky's host family is constructed traditionally. There is a husband and wife (and kids) who live with the husband's parents (usually, the oldest son and his wife live with his parents). The husband (Balaji) and his father are both plastic surgeons. Balaji's wife, Devi, 28, is primarily responsible for their two daughters - Swastika (7) and Shrinidhi (4). (The swastika is an ancient religious symbol for Hindus and also Persians - the Nazis appropriated it and reversed its direction. Swastika does NOT have negative connotations here at all. One can purchase ornamental gifts with swastikas on them - I've been itching to ask the vendors just how well those items sell to Europeans and Americans).

Though Devi's mother-in-law is Becky's official host mother, or Amma, in fact, Becky has spent most of her time and gotten closest to Devi. Devi runs a small clothing boutique and is going to business school (online) but mostly she is responsible for the household and the girls. She's college-educated and I think having Becky around has been great for her, as well as for Becky.

Devi and Balaji's marriage was arranged, as are the vast majority of marriages here. A friend of both families thought it might be appropriate so she contacted the parents. The parents met each other and compared notes about the kids, showed photos, etc. The purpose is for the parents to determine if it would be a good match - not necessarily or certainly not only if they would like each other, but, rather, if their families are compatible, by caste, professional orientation, income, etc. The girl's and boy's skills, future prospects, etc. Once the parents are satisfied that it may be a good match, they then consult the astrologer. Consulting the horoscope is critical - the stars must align for this match to succeed. If the astrologer says yes (let's imagine him or her bobbling their head in affirmation), then the boy's parents take him to meet the girl's parents. The girl is home, but she does not participate in this meeting.

(By the way - "caste" has two meanings. One refers to the broader and popular understanding of social strata - 4 broad classes, and below, "untouchables." The caste system was outlawed shortly after independence, but it continues to have a profound, though slowly waning, influence on Indian life. The 2nd meaning of caste refers to tribe or clan. It is important to parents that their children marry within their clan - a clan can be quite large. Arranged marriages of 1st cousins are not uncommon.)

The horoscope is also consulted with regard to the wedding date. Other factors come into play - there are auspicious and inauspicous times in Hinduism. For example, within a lunar month, while the moon is waxing is more auspicious, while it is waning is less auspicious. During the year, from the winter solstice to summer solstice, as daylight increases, is more auspicious, and from summer to winter, as daylight diminishes, is less auspicious. Within the week, Tuesdays and Fridays seem to be auspicious days (not sure why).

When all these are consulted, a wedding date is selected (bear in mind, until this moment, Devi had not actually met Balaji). During their engagement, they spent no time alone - not dates or such. They were alone for the first time after their wedding.

This was nine years ago.

After the wedding, not only does the couple get to know each other, but the girl moves into the home of her husband's family.

Devi, who'd gone to college, actually had some male friends - this is not traditional and is frowned upon by many in the older generation. Devi maintains these friendships, but she told me that when she was married, she broke off contact with her male friends for a while, since Balaji didn't know her, she wanted to build their relationship and establish trust and felt that the presence of male friends would be undermining.

Devi has a few friends who have done "love marriages" - an unusual, but growing phenomenon. She told me about one couple - they met and fell in love. Their parents were friends and they were from the same caste. Nonetheless, the parents were livid and refused to accept the union. The couple fled to Mumbai and hid out there, far from Tamil Nadu. After 2-3 years, and children, the parents came to accept the marriage.

Becky knows some young people who have "secret" boyfriends or girlfriends.

One of the fascinating things about India - it is going through enormous modernizing influences now - in a sense, 100 years of post-industrial modernization are being compressed within a single generation. At the same time, this is occurring in a vast society steeped in old traditional customs. Here in Tamil Nadu, one is more likely to see in public two men holding hands (not gay) than a man and a woman. At the same time, turn on the TV or go to the movies and see the latest from Bollywood, in which sexuality is celebrated or flaunted, depending on one's point of view. There are many cultural taboos here, yet I haven't observed the equivalent of ultra-orthodox haredim burning down a bus stand because of a risque photo of a scantily clad woman on it. Perhaps due to the religious diversity of India, there's a bit more of a live and let live attitude.

Becky asked Devi if she thinks her girls will marry arranged, as she did, or will choose their husbands (imagining different sexual orientation is completely off the table). Devi said she didn't know - which itself is a very progressive attitude here on this subject.

The whole subject of arranged vs. love marriages is a rich topic here. Thus, we brought a DVD of Fiddler on the Roof. Becky's host family is fascinated by Judaism. There was a Hindu holiday they celebrated that coincided with the Days of Awe, so Becky was explaining Yom Kippur, Shabbat, etc. They were very interested. Becky and two other Jewish students had a Shabbat dinner at their home. So - given their interest in Judaism and the theme of arranged marriages and modernization - Becky thought it would be interesting for us to watch Fiddler on the Roof together (in a way, Fiddler is kinda like a Bollywood production anyway). That is our afternoon activity today, before we leave.